It's all drama.

We asked ourselves, what makes us complete? And there are just a lot of answers that we feel missing that makes us incomplete, struggling to live our life for we seek the ‘harmony’.

I’ve reflected for weeks, deactivated all my social networking accounts for I needed to isolate the grasped knowledge of information from the stolen thoughts of my past. Everyday I learn from the feeds which takes me away from a piece that should’ve changed the story of my life; my mom.

I was hard on myself, pouring out the emotions over and over. I keep forming depression which made me think my career dilemma and the failure to start something special with ‘someone’. It was too much of a failure for me which I had a breakdown. Well, this is me. I cry.

It’s been twenty three years of being clueless if my mom is still alive. It’s not easy for I don’t know where and how to start. I may have the latest technology ways but it does not straight me in finding a part of me knowing just one truth. Nothing is special when I was three years old; enjoyed my growth of existence but it strikes me the most when my mom left us with no reason at all. Just like that. Yeah, just like that.

I guess I’m the best dramatic actor of my generation. Friends don’t get to hear me say all these emotions behind the smiles I’m giving them, for the moment I take on that soft spot, I just can’t stop crying. Believe me. This is the truth that I fight to live everyday. Truth really hurts. Some are just lucky enough, and I am not.

This is my life, it’s all drama, but I never get tired of dealing with it.

I’m now starting from scratch, opening the new chapters of my story book. It will be a rough challenge taking this courage out of me. I tell you, it doesn’t stop here.

To you mom, I will never give up.

A Story thru Their Words

These past few weeks, I’ve been really down suffocating myself with tears. Last night I had a breakdown, and there are people who will be there for you regardless of who they are; a long time friend, a past teacher, a stranger, person you met just once, someone you met on the net, and your bestfriends. Their words will tell you my story...

The Alma Mater: With all honesty, I don’t know how to respond. This has been your concern since college and I thought you have recovered. I don’t mean to be biased, the mere fact that your father was hurt, only means that whatever you told him had a significant impact on him.

Take time to recover, then talk. I suggest you initiate. Humble yourself. Walang sumbatan for 22 years. You just told na ginapang mo ang pagkatao mo, aren’t you proud of that?

You did it on your own before, why can’t you do it this time? You’re a talented person, that’s why I have always believed in you. Whatever your situation at this time will be a trauma until you learn to forgive, accept and let go.

You’ve made it this far. Now you’re telling me you’ll quit? As I’ve told you before never let your temper control you. The mere you’re hurting yourself and your family.

Kasi yan ang lagi mong pinaniniwalaan na mag-isa ka. Hindi ito competition na may kampihan. Learn to live on your own. You depend on your dad kasi ang condition mo dapat lang kasi pinabayaan kayo, tapos kung hindi makabigay nanunumbat ka. Learn not to depend.

The Believer: “He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3” Kaya mo bang ibaba pride mo para mag-reach out sa kanya? After all, dad mo siya. In humility, try lang talking to him. But if it’s not yet time keep still lang. If you have mustered enough strength, try mo lang. Who knows the tide might change? Baka dahil din sa miscommunication kaya kayo nagkaganyan. It’s okay to cry and alam ko mahirap na may misunderstanding kayo ng dad mo.

Calm down ka muna, baka kasi may masabi tayong nakakasakit na pagsisisihn natin sa huli pag may galit tayo sa puso. Cool down ka muna, sleep ka na. Then tomorrow, think things over and maybe ready ka na.

The Happy Guy: Masakit din kasi sa tatay ‘yong malaman niya na kulang ang ginagawa niya for you. Naranasan ko rin yan k ay dad, eksaktong yan. At least you were able to voice out, alam niya how you feel about the situation. Let things cool down a bit, then talk to him again. Me and dad we didn’t talk. My lola died and after nun, snap. Okay na kami. The loss compensated for the long discussions to forgiveness. Birthpains, it will teach you a lot. Trust me. Believe that there’s a greater plan somewhere there.

Family is one thing, your life is another. Unless you prove to them what a loss you are. Kailangan mo muna matanggap na they found their happiness in other places or people and so should you. Hindi naman sa kalimutan mo sila, but try to make the most out of the independence you have, which other’s don’t

The Supporter: I may never fully understand the situation you are in with regard to your relationship with your father pero through the years, I've come to realize that saying what you really feel towards a person esp. on a very personal level can do you a huge favor. For me, that is through a letter. Sabihin mo LAHAT ng gusto mo sabihin.

If your dad refuse to understand where your angst is coming from then I think it's time for you to tell everything to him. 'wag ka lang masyadong galit, ha? Try being calm about it. You' can't resolve things na mainit ang ulo mo. Isipin mo na lang that you're doing yourself a big favor. 'Wag na para sa iba, para sa'yo na lang at para sa ikatatahimik ng kalooban mo. From there, bahala na tatay mo.

The Hopeful: People won't get hurt or be affected if the person in question doesn't matter to them that much. Hurt usually comes from loving someone.

A Friend: Hey! dunno how to cheer you up really but yeah, think this way.. everything is gonna be alright! You'll definitely be okay because you’re strong! You'll get thru it. Whatever you're gong thru with people you disagree with will soon realized you're better than what it seems.

The Stranger: Sometimes we feel that way. In order for us to let go of it is to embrace it first. It's part of growing as an individual.

The Sweet Girl: First of hindi ka abala sa akin dear. Wish I’m there at your side ngayon. Hug tight, I love you so much.

The Dreamer: If you believe you've done wrong and went overboard, say Sorry... Mahal ka namin, poreber and eber...

Without these words, I might not have enough strength to continue my life now. A simple *hug* or the sweetest “I love you” are my comfort words, but I never expected that there are people who gives more meaning to what is given. There are reasons why we feel emotional but there are far more than that of what is light and blissful that we need to appreciate for it is not just strength, it is LIFE.

God, thank you for giving me the ‘persons’ of my life. THANK YOU ALL.

Three

At this month of May, everyone feel the rush of love for their moms. How come I don’t feel that?

03-03-88 when I was 3 years old. Living intact on that figure for 25 years of existence with ups and downs. I was at that age when my mom left us. Fed with queries, weakened directions, and failed judgement that baffled my growth. Shadows coated and I asked myself, “Why did she leave us?”. It was more than a challenge for it was a struggle of living my life unaided. Her presence was supposed to be the foundation of what structures me in forms. So many decisions that I was misguided, choices of multiple attitudes which’s like creating my own character, for I was blinded to see. And so I asked, “Am I doomed with these emotions?”

Drowned by enmity for I was impaired searching for reasons and bearing out answers. But then I fall short notice of maturity, then I stopped with all the worries I have. I realized there should be a door out for hatred, and so I did let them go. I guess it’s not yet too late for me, for I have the best of hopes to think that she is just out there.

The grasp on the key of life is giving me the heartfelt love to find the best piece of what completes me. What if I find her and have the chance to finally meet her? Will I say Ma, Mom, Mommy, Mama? Mix emotions of excitement but a ‘lil bit edgy. And what if she’s dead? I’m not sure but I have to be ready.

And so this Mother’s day, I don’t get to greet my mom personally but I appreciate the 2nd Sunday of May for it gives above significance to a special one who gave birth to us. It is not necessary to give them something but it is worth remembering if we just say, "Thank You" and “I love you.”

Acceptance, it is or will be the greatest challenge at this phase of my life. We all create our own identity that pulls the gravity of manner. We fail, hope, and then succeed. It all matters on how you will continue in each word, a comma, an ellipsis, or a period.

Happy Mother’s Day to your Mom. :)