I'm Sorry, I Miss You.

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.

The only defense I know now.

P.S. I'm so sorry, Mom, I only miss you now.

Losing vs Gaining

...and I'm not talking about my weight.

My siblings and I are close. I guess that's the simplest statement to start this entry. We grew up sleeping in the same bed. We played luksong baka, piko, jackstone, habulan, tumbang preso, jerbase, chinese garter and all those shizzles together (yes even my only brother played jackstone). We went to the same school. We just lived together everyday of our childhood lives.

Until we grew up to have our own lives, our own friends, our own priorities as mature persons, and being the youngest, I am most affected by this. Now that my siblings are starting to have their own families, my immature self feels like being left alone. I have always been with them most of my life and now that one by one, they're starting to build their lives without me in the picture, a part of me feels extremely sad, even bummer is an understatement.

My sister is getting married in a few days. When she told me about it, the first thing that popped in my mind was, "where the heck am I going to sleep now?" because yes, we share a common room, and I'm pretty sure they'll be staying there together until they have their own place. Apart from that, what strucked me the most is how I'm going to miss my Ate. When she's married it's not like I can just asked her to go with me to the movies anytime, or probably shop, or just make her do anything for me anymore (she always does everything for me - clean my

closet, prepare whatever things I need, wake me up for school, and the list goes on). She will be living her life not only as my sister anymore, but more so as a wife to her fiance. And I sound so selfish and jealous, I know.

I want to keep a very positive outlook on this, in fact I am really happy for her - one of her lifelong dream is being married to her man of ten years - and without questions, I am surely very happy that this thing turned out right for her. And instead of thinking of losing a sister on this event, I might as well be flying optimistic about gaining a new legit brother, and soon a new baby to bully perhaps? Haha. But yeah, seriously maybe this wedding wouldn't necessarily take my sister away from me but more like earn me a new family.

So I probably should stop being a selfish whining bitch and just be happy for the good things happening to my loves. I should just be a little mature and selfless to give way to whatever makes them happy. I love them and whatever makes me good, I should respect.

It's all drama.

We asked ourselves, what makes us complete? And there are just a lot of answers that we feel missing that makes us incomplete, struggling to live our life for we seek the ‘harmony’.

I’ve reflected for weeks, deactivated all my social networking accounts for I needed to isolate the grasped knowledge of information from the stolen thoughts of my past. Everyday I learn from the feeds which takes me away from a piece that should’ve changed the story of my life; my mom.

I was hard on myself, pouring out the emotions over and over. I keep forming depression which made me think my career dilemma and the failure to start something special with ‘someone’. It was too much of a failure for me which I had a breakdown. Well, this is me. I cry.

It’s been twenty three years of being clueless if my mom is still alive. It’s not easy for I don’t know where and how to start. I may have the latest technology ways but it does not straight me in finding a part of me knowing just one truth. Nothing is special when I was three years old; enjoyed my growth of existence but it strikes me the most when my mom left us with no reason at all. Just like that. Yeah, just like that.

I guess I’m the best dramatic actor of my generation. Friends don’t get to hear me say all these emotions behind the smiles I’m giving them, for the moment I take on that soft spot, I just can’t stop crying. Believe me. This is the truth that I fight to live everyday. Truth really hurts. Some are just lucky enough, and I am not.

This is my life, it’s all drama, but I never get tired of dealing with it.

I’m now starting from scratch, opening the new chapters of my story book. It will be a rough challenge taking this courage out of me. I tell you, it doesn’t stop here.

To you mom, I will never give up.

Nothing Mattered.

My uncle passed away today.

He wasn't the best uncle. All my life, I never really felt he's one.

He wasn't the best brother to my mom. I remember my mother narrating how my uncle (her eldest brother) would physically hurt him whenever she was caught with a man back in her teenage years. My mother almost literally sustained him and his family, giving him money when he has none and paying for all his hospital bills because he didn't have any savings of his own. This uncle of mine sold our small business then, the business my parents worked hard for, all for his good.

He wasn't the best son to my lola. He hurt my lola so many times with his rude words and behavior. He even asked my lola to leave HER own house after some misunderstanding, that's why she's lived with us from then on.

He wasn't the best husband and father. He went abroad when his kids were still young and never came back as a father for them. He had a daughter with another woman and his legit family had to live their lives without him. My legit cousins had to stop school and start working to support themselves.

I hated him for not being a good man. When I knew he was nearing his time, I wasn't really struck and just accepted it casually.

But when I saw him already lifeless, it hit me. It pierced my heart bull's eye. Nothing really matters now but my uncle, a brother so loved by my mom, a son so treasured by my lola, my uncle who is part of my family.

RIP, Kaka. I pray you find your peace.

Wake Me Up When November Ends

I seriously want to just sleep the remaining days of November away.

I’m supposed to love November, I used to love November – my birth month, and is usually my lucky month, but definitely not this year.

It all started well - "well" is actually an understatement, let me say it started with a bang! I was in a meaningful retreat, celebrated my birthday with co-workers and the whole of the university, another birthday celebration with my friends... There wasn't a minute I wasn't thanking God for the most wonderful life some people could only dream. Until...

- I lost one of my phones (Nokia; I forgot the unit model). I always bring two phones, my Globe and my Sun. The Sun phone isn't technically mine, the postpaid line is an extension of my then-boyfriend's plan, and the phone unit is his too. I'm not really sure how I lost it, it wasn't stolen that I'm sure, it might have slipped from my bag or something.

- We were told that our salary will be delayed. Imagine working since start of November, without salary UNTIL NOW. This isn't really complain-worthy because I'm totally ok with it, I still have some savings... but still.

- With my ATM empty, I even lost the cash I have in my wallet. This one's been happening to me for several months already everytime I go to this certain place. I seriously broke down when I knew it because it was alloted for my allowance until I get my salary. Seriously, how can people be that heartless and insensitive?

- My Globe phone (Samsung Ultra Tocco S8300; touch screen, slide with keypad, 8MP camera) started acting up. I've been using it for more than a year without any problems until it acted up. I didn't see it coming as it was in a mint condition, but without any sign or symptom, it started restarting all by itself. The screen started blacking out for some reasons, and then...

- I lost that Samsung phone. Losing the Sun phone wasn't a really big deal because it was just a spare, it's actually been disconnected for several weeks already but my Globe phone was my jewel. It contains ALL my contacts and other important things. It's the most amazing phone one could ever have, besides that, it was a graduation gift from my mother. It's my most loved phone because it takes digital-camera-quality pictures, the MP3 player was very user friendly, and the fact that it's touch screen with a keypad just suits my mood. I was totally devastated. Again, I wasn't sure how it was lost. I placed it in the pocket of my back pack on my way to the bus station going to Batangas, and then poof! It's gone as I checked it on my seat.

- I finally have cut my ties with a past. This one was my personal decision. I wouldn't lie that since we broke up last year, we've still been trying to patch things up and get back together. He tried, I can see that, and I did my best, too, but it wasn't working. I had doubts with myself, I had huge doubts with my feelings and the only thing I was sure of was that I want to stop hurting him. Guilt was probably one of the many reasons. I should stop lying to him. I have to stop making him believe that we're good when in fact, I've been wanting to get away. I know I'm selfish. I have to be this time.

I know I'm not supposed to weep like I'm the biggest loser in this earth but fter all of these and more have happened, I just want to cuddle up in bed and sleep and wait for this month to end, or shall I say I want all the disappointments to end. I want all the hurts to go away. I want all the bad vibes to be gone.

On a positive note, as much as I want all of these unfortunate events to just leave me alone, I still want to thank the Lord for helping me get through and giving me the best support system there is - my sisters.