I'm Sorry, I Miss You.

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.

The only defense I know now.

P.S. I'm so sorry, Mom, I only miss you now.

It's all drama.

We asked ourselves, what makes us complete? And there are just a lot of answers that we feel missing that makes us incomplete, struggling to live our life for we seek the ‘harmony’.

I’ve reflected for weeks, deactivated all my social networking accounts for I needed to isolate the grasped knowledge of information from the stolen thoughts of my past. Everyday I learn from the feeds which takes me away from a piece that should’ve changed the story of my life; my mom.

I was hard on myself, pouring out the emotions over and over. I keep forming depression which made me think my career dilemma and the failure to start something special with ‘someone’. It was too much of a failure for me which I had a breakdown. Well, this is me. I cry.

It’s been twenty three years of being clueless if my mom is still alive. It’s not easy for I don’t know where and how to start. I may have the latest technology ways but it does not straight me in finding a part of me knowing just one truth. Nothing is special when I was three years old; enjoyed my growth of existence but it strikes me the most when my mom left us with no reason at all. Just like that. Yeah, just like that.

I guess I’m the best dramatic actor of my generation. Friends don’t get to hear me say all these emotions behind the smiles I’m giving them, for the moment I take on that soft spot, I just can’t stop crying. Believe me. This is the truth that I fight to live everyday. Truth really hurts. Some are just lucky enough, and I am not.

This is my life, it’s all drama, but I never get tired of dealing with it.

I’m now starting from scratch, opening the new chapters of my story book. It will be a rough challenge taking this courage out of me. I tell you, it doesn’t stop here.

To you mom, I will never give up.

Three

At this month of May, everyone feel the rush of love for their moms. How come I don’t feel that?

03-03-88 when I was 3 years old. Living intact on that figure for 25 years of existence with ups and downs. I was at that age when my mom left us. Fed with queries, weakened directions, and failed judgement that baffled my growth. Shadows coated and I asked myself, “Why did she leave us?”. It was more than a challenge for it was a struggle of living my life unaided. Her presence was supposed to be the foundation of what structures me in forms. So many decisions that I was misguided, choices of multiple attitudes which’s like creating my own character, for I was blinded to see. And so I asked, “Am I doomed with these emotions?”

Drowned by enmity for I was impaired searching for reasons and bearing out answers. But then I fall short notice of maturity, then I stopped with all the worries I have. I realized there should be a door out for hatred, and so I did let them go. I guess it’s not yet too late for me, for I have the best of hopes to think that she is just out there.

The grasp on the key of life is giving me the heartfelt love to find the best piece of what completes me. What if I find her and have the chance to finally meet her? Will I say Ma, Mom, Mommy, Mama? Mix emotions of excitement but a ‘lil bit edgy. And what if she’s dead? I’m not sure but I have to be ready.

And so this Mother’s day, I don’t get to greet my mom personally but I appreciate the 2nd Sunday of May for it gives above significance to a special one who gave birth to us. It is not necessary to give them something but it is worth remembering if we just say, "Thank You" and “I love you.”

Acceptance, it is or will be the greatest challenge at this phase of my life. We all create our own identity that pulls the gravity of manner. We fail, hope, and then succeed. It all matters on how you will continue in each word, a comma, an ellipsis, or a period.

Happy Mother’s Day to your Mom. :)