I Consider Them Laurels

Three years ago, on this day, I was excited for my first day of internship in a rehab hospital in Quezon City. There were lots of firsts on that time: first time to be with clinicians, to handle patients, be with PT students coming from other schools. First time to practice what we've learned for the past 4 years, to handle actual patients. I was really enthusiastic at that time, ready to try different stuffs on the patient. And it was also my first time to celebrate my birthday at "work".

It wasn't really a big deal. I'm celebrating my birthday anyway. Most of the time, I just hear a mass and the day is nothing but regular.

For over three years, my list of "first's" continued to lengthen: out-of-the-country trip (which is my first plane ride also), Disneyland, vote on a national election, try slide-for-life, job interview, pay slip, photoshoot, fire a gun, write a blog, and visit foreign places. Worth noting was also the first time I paid the bills at home. Of all experiences, the most challenging would be rappelling that 120-ft mountain ridge in Tarlac and the best would be my first interview on live TV. And my camera would be the best thing I ever had.

Of course, not all would be good. I also had my first experience of losing my phone, seeing corruption right in front of me, note experiencing Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve with my family and moving out from home. It was so depressing. Really.

In just 2 days, I'll be gaining another year. And my passion for "firsts" is just starting.

Thank you for these years.

Nothing Mattered.

My uncle passed away today.

He wasn't the best uncle. All my life, I never really felt he's one.

He wasn't the best brother to my mom. I remember my mother narrating how my uncle (her eldest brother) would physically hurt him whenever she was caught with a man back in her teenage years. My mother almost literally sustained him and his family, giving him money when he has none and paying for all his hospital bills because he didn't have any savings of his own. This uncle of mine sold our small business then, the business my parents worked hard for, all for his good.

He wasn't the best son to my lola. He hurt my lola so many times with his rude words and behavior. He even asked my lola to leave HER own house after some misunderstanding, that's why she's lived with us from then on.

He wasn't the best husband and father. He went abroad when his kids were still young and never came back as a father for them. He had a daughter with another woman and his legit family had to live their lives without him. My legit cousins had to stop school and start working to support themselves.

I hated him for not being a good man. When I knew he was nearing his time, I wasn't really struck and just accepted it casually.

But when I saw him already lifeless, it hit me. It pierced my heart bull's eye. Nothing really matters now but my uncle, a brother so loved by my mom, a son so treasured by my lola, my uncle who is part of my family.

RIP, Kaka. I pray you find your peace.

It's kind of a funny story

Second Eighteen

February 14 is Valentine’s Day and it’s a title of a movie which I just recently watched. I was single back then (but not bitter), slowly moving on leaving behind a special occasion to everyone in love. Who wouldn’t watch a star-studded cast movie about love? Not me, I guess I was just lonely that month. It reveals about different couples in love that deals with unlike factors involving them. Boy meets girl with pleasure, a husband who is unfaithful, a woman who chooses her career over love, bestfriends who failed to realize they were in love, a mom’s sacrifice just to see her son, puppy love and gay couples on the headlines. The emphasis is more on both ways, delivering love in various behaviours. Selfish and selfless, two tails that makes the choices but with only one decision. It’s a great movie.

Why would I write about this movie? Not for any reason, but more of realization which I never thought I would feel myself portraying a character, not of who I choose to be but of who I am. So, I finally found my partner and our relationship is sailing to a wavy coast. It’s uneasy, we both know that.

And so, I made my Valentine’s card for the one I love.

Love is always a happy sense, if it’s not it is still love, but you are just facing the consequences. Thank you for this great movie to our Second Eighteen.

Parang Lego

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Yan ang mga lyrics ng kantang Affirmation ng bandang Savage Garden. Dahil Miyerkules ngayon, balik sa 80's at 90's ang kanta sa isang radio station. Sa tuwing naririnig ko ang kantang yan ay palagi akong napapaisip. Hindi malungkot, hindi rin emo. Napapaisip hindi tungkol sa hinaharap at kung ano pa ang pwedeng mangyari. Kundi tungkol sa kung ano na ang nagdaan at ang bumubuo sa aking pagkatao.


-Minuto (Naniniwala sa kaluluwa ng kanta. Salamat sa musika ng dekada nobenta.)

Hope is Contagious

I was bound to go home when I decided to take a simple walk in Quiapo to buy some pirated DVD's. I know it's not a good deed but I can't help it. It's cheap and you're gonna use it once anyway so why not buy it? But I'm not encouraging you to buy some. Still, original copies are the best. When I came to a movie stand where DVD's are sold like hotcakes (for it costs way cheaper than before), I saw this movie: Letters to God.

I'm not gonna right a movie review about it in this blog. I'll leave that somewhere in cyberspace. Instead, I'll give you an idea about the film. Its about Tyler, a boy with cancer, who writes letters to God. His letters were encountered by Brady, a mailman who's having struggles with his life. They entered each one's life and the story goes on. This is a Christian movie, as the title says, but anyone can benefit from it for in the end, you'll have that heartwarming feeling. Was actually teary-eyed when I ended the film.

I am thankful for these pirated DVD's for if it doesn't exist, I won't encounter Tyler's story.

Kaway ng Buhay

Sa araw-araw ako’y gigising, babangon at mabibingi sa pag-iisa. Bababa sa hagdan, maglalakad at maghahanap ng makakainan. “Ate isa nga pong Tapsilog, scrambled, takeout.” Bubuksan, titignan, at uuwi na para kumain. Pauli-ulit hanggang sa ikaw ay makilala.

Kinabukasan didilat ang mata, nagugutom at babalik. “Ate order ko po Tocilog.” Iaabot ang aking ulam na naka-styro at titignan: ‘Aba, alam na ni ate na scrambled egg ang gusto ko.’ Hindi ko sila kilala sa pangalan, at hindi rin nila alam ang pangalan ko. Ang alam ko lang, customer ako at sila ang taga-kuha ng order ko.

Pero iba ang nangyari ng minsan ako ay napadaan sa kanto para mamasyal, ordinaryong araw na wala akong inaasahan. Magkakasama sila at nagkukumpulan sa sulok. Dumaan ako ng nagtetext nang hindi ko inaasahan,

“Sir, good morning! Kain po tayo!”

Lahat sila bumati sa akin ng maaliwas, lahat naka-ngiti na pinaramdam nilang iba ang araw na iyon. Simple man ang buhay nila na may marangal na trabaho, sila ang mga taong hindi mo inaasahang magpapaalala sa’yo na ang simpleng mga bagay ay pinasasalamatan. At karapat dapat silang bigyan ng isang malaking pasasalamat sa magandang pakikisalamuha. Ang pagbating iyon ay ang “Kaway” ng Buhay. Salamat mga kaibigan.

A Story thru Their Words

These past few weeks, I’ve been really down suffocating myself with tears. Last night I had a breakdown, and there are people who will be there for you regardless of who they are; a long time friend, a past teacher, a stranger, person you met just once, someone you met on the net, and your bestfriends. Their words will tell you my story...

The Alma Mater: With all honesty, I don’t know how to respond. This has been your concern since college and I thought you have recovered. I don’t mean to be biased, the mere fact that your father was hurt, only means that whatever you told him had a significant impact on him.

Take time to recover, then talk. I suggest you initiate. Humble yourself. Walang sumbatan for 22 years. You just told na ginapang mo ang pagkatao mo, aren’t you proud of that?

You did it on your own before, why can’t you do it this time? You’re a talented person, that’s why I have always believed in you. Whatever your situation at this time will be a trauma until you learn to forgive, accept and let go.

You’ve made it this far. Now you’re telling me you’ll quit? As I’ve told you before never let your temper control you. The mere you’re hurting yourself and your family.

Kasi yan ang lagi mong pinaniniwalaan na mag-isa ka. Hindi ito competition na may kampihan. Learn to live on your own. You depend on your dad kasi ang condition mo dapat lang kasi pinabayaan kayo, tapos kung hindi makabigay nanunumbat ka. Learn not to depend.

The Believer: “He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3” Kaya mo bang ibaba pride mo para mag-reach out sa kanya? After all, dad mo siya. In humility, try lang talking to him. But if it’s not yet time keep still lang. If you have mustered enough strength, try mo lang. Who knows the tide might change? Baka dahil din sa miscommunication kaya kayo nagkaganyan. It’s okay to cry and alam ko mahirap na may misunderstanding kayo ng dad mo.

Calm down ka muna, baka kasi may masabi tayong nakakasakit na pagsisisihn natin sa huli pag may galit tayo sa puso. Cool down ka muna, sleep ka na. Then tomorrow, think things over and maybe ready ka na.

The Happy Guy: Masakit din kasi sa tatay ‘yong malaman niya na kulang ang ginagawa niya for you. Naranasan ko rin yan k ay dad, eksaktong yan. At least you were able to voice out, alam niya how you feel about the situation. Let things cool down a bit, then talk to him again. Me and dad we didn’t talk. My lola died and after nun, snap. Okay na kami. The loss compensated for the long discussions to forgiveness. Birthpains, it will teach you a lot. Trust me. Believe that there’s a greater plan somewhere there.

Family is one thing, your life is another. Unless you prove to them what a loss you are. Kailangan mo muna matanggap na they found their happiness in other places or people and so should you. Hindi naman sa kalimutan mo sila, but try to make the most out of the independence you have, which other’s don’t

The Supporter: I may never fully understand the situation you are in with regard to your relationship with your father pero through the years, I've come to realize that saying what you really feel towards a person esp. on a very personal level can do you a huge favor. For me, that is through a letter. Sabihin mo LAHAT ng gusto mo sabihin.

If your dad refuse to understand where your angst is coming from then I think it's time for you to tell everything to him. 'wag ka lang masyadong galit, ha? Try being calm about it. You' can't resolve things na mainit ang ulo mo. Isipin mo na lang that you're doing yourself a big favor. 'Wag na para sa iba, para sa'yo na lang at para sa ikatatahimik ng kalooban mo. From there, bahala na tatay mo.

The Hopeful: People won't get hurt or be affected if the person in question doesn't matter to them that much. Hurt usually comes from loving someone.

A Friend: Hey! dunno how to cheer you up really but yeah, think this way.. everything is gonna be alright! You'll definitely be okay because you’re strong! You'll get thru it. Whatever you're gong thru with people you disagree with will soon realized you're better than what it seems.

The Stranger: Sometimes we feel that way. In order for us to let go of it is to embrace it first. It's part of growing as an individual.

The Sweet Girl: First of hindi ka abala sa akin dear. Wish I’m there at your side ngayon. Hug tight, I love you so much.

The Dreamer: If you believe you've done wrong and went overboard, say Sorry... Mahal ka namin, poreber and eber...

Without these words, I might not have enough strength to continue my life now. A simple *hug* or the sweetest “I love you” are my comfort words, but I never expected that there are people who gives more meaning to what is given. There are reasons why we feel emotional but there are far more than that of what is light and blissful that we need to appreciate for it is not just strength, it is LIFE.

God, thank you for giving me the ‘persons’ of my life. THANK YOU ALL.

Three

At this month of May, everyone feel the rush of love for their moms. How come I don’t feel that?

03-03-88 when I was 3 years old. Living intact on that figure for 25 years of existence with ups and downs. I was at that age when my mom left us. Fed with queries, weakened directions, and failed judgement that baffled my growth. Shadows coated and I asked myself, “Why did she leave us?”. It was more than a challenge for it was a struggle of living my life unaided. Her presence was supposed to be the foundation of what structures me in forms. So many decisions that I was misguided, choices of multiple attitudes which’s like creating my own character, for I was blinded to see. And so I asked, “Am I doomed with these emotions?”

Drowned by enmity for I was impaired searching for reasons and bearing out answers. But then I fall short notice of maturity, then I stopped with all the worries I have. I realized there should be a door out for hatred, and so I did let them go. I guess it’s not yet too late for me, for I have the best of hopes to think that she is just out there.

The grasp on the key of life is giving me the heartfelt love to find the best piece of what completes me. What if I find her and have the chance to finally meet her? Will I say Ma, Mom, Mommy, Mama? Mix emotions of excitement but a ‘lil bit edgy. And what if she’s dead? I’m not sure but I have to be ready.

And so this Mother’s day, I don’t get to greet my mom personally but I appreciate the 2nd Sunday of May for it gives above significance to a special one who gave birth to us. It is not necessary to give them something but it is worth remembering if we just say, "Thank You" and “I love you.”

Acceptance, it is or will be the greatest challenge at this phase of my life. We all create our own identity that pulls the gravity of manner. We fail, hope, and then succeed. It all matters on how you will continue in each word, a comma, an ellipsis, or a period.

Happy Mother’s Day to your Mom. :)