Job for Sale

Today is the month of September. In just a few days, I’ll be celebrating my 1st anniversary working in this institution. Many things had happened since the day I started here. Things have been rewarding – financial, personal and social investments, I should say. Life has become generous to me. And I’m very thankful for that.

And then I saw this: “If you just won a million pesos, would you quit your job?”

To tell you, I am not practicing what I took in college. I am a medical professional (physical therapist) but my job is more focused on doing administrative works and oversee the daily operation of the hospital. Occasionally, I get treatment schedule with patients but admin work is still my first priority. Plus, in the hospital where I work, seldom do they have patients referred for PT. Most of the time I stay on my desk, doing some reports and computing budget allocations. Workload is just fine. I can meet the deadlines and demands. In terms of salary, it is above the minimum but not high enough to make you buy everything you want. It is just enough for everyday living. Working atmosphere is just average. People, as much as possible, try to get along with each other. And I think that is good.

Knowing that I’m not practicing my profession, it is easy to conclude that I’ll just quit my job, right? But that is not the case. Yes, physical therapy profession in our country is not as financially rewarding unlike working abroad. Physical therapists share the same fate with the nurses except that the latter’s demand for employment has declined. There’s no other way to be financially wealthy, as a clinician, other than going abroad. But I don't want to work there. I can settle here, and find a PT-related job that economically satisfies me and my family. As I kept mentioning to my friends, I want to see my house being built here, drive my car around the streets where I learned to ride my bike and see my children being raised on the land where I grew up.

Going back, another thing present in my job is corruption. It is blatant and everyone in the office just seems to neglect it. My boss keeps it but everyone knows about. An open secret in short. This is actually my greatest challenge. Like everyone who’s idealistic and dreams of a society functioning as a whole, I am determined to get rid of it even just on my workplace. All my school life, I have been living the idealistic system of democratic governance - being transparent to funds, being able to question and all. Then when I get to the real world this is what it’s going to be? And even tell me to just accept the fact as it has been the practice of everyone and everywhere? It’s very ironic. Para saan pa ang pinaggagawa naming sa eskwela kung gano’n din lang pala? I have been obvious in the office that I don’t (and will ever) tolerate it, questioning reports and pointing out wrong and erroneous doings of my boss. These things, at the time when I was aggressive in doing so, made my office life difficult and quitting. Even my colleagues in the office are telling me that that has been the practice so I can’t do anything. I was really about to quit. But an advice from a good mentor told me to just dance as my boss says so, wait for my turn to become the one in-charge and then I’ll do what is best. And so I wait.

Considering all, will I quit my job for 1 million pesos?

Today, I’m saying no. There are still things I want to experience in this field – dealing with seniors and subordinates, analyzing how such system works (including those that make things complicated) and broadening my views to the working environment. Diversity - of ideas, attitudes and cultures – has its own way of brilliance. Making life hard to deal with but you still win because you discover so many things around it.



But from the moment I received the million pesos, I will start investing and build my livestock/ poultry business. I would start getting short courses on business and those related to my profession. Nothing still beats the feeling of seeing how great your patient has been from the moment you met her. If things work out well with the business, I might just start my own clinic. And as my leisure, I’ll be a photographer, immortalizing moments that would somehow remind people how excellent life can be.

By that time, I’ll be in-charge of my own business, of my own clinic, of my own society. By then, I’ll be appreciating all the great lessons about work – the diversity of people, the possibilities for change, and the pleasures of challenge – and then I’ll quit this job.

I'm Sorry, I Miss You.

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.

The only defense I know now.

P.S. I'm so sorry, Mom, I only miss you now.

Losing vs Gaining

...and I'm not talking about my weight.

My siblings and I are close. I guess that's the simplest statement to start this entry. We grew up sleeping in the same bed. We played luksong baka, piko, jackstone, habulan, tumbang preso, jerbase, chinese garter and all those shizzles together (yes even my only brother played jackstone). We went to the same school. We just lived together everyday of our childhood lives.

Until we grew up to have our own lives, our own friends, our own priorities as mature persons, and being the youngest, I am most affected by this. Now that my siblings are starting to have their own families, my immature self feels like being left alone. I have always been with them most of my life and now that one by one, they're starting to build their lives without me in the picture, a part of me feels extremely sad, even bummer is an understatement.

My sister is getting married in a few days. When she told me about it, the first thing that popped in my mind was, "where the heck am I going to sleep now?" because yes, we share a common room, and I'm pretty sure they'll be staying there together until they have their own place. Apart from that, what strucked me the most is how I'm going to miss my Ate. When she's married it's not like I can just asked her to go with me to the movies anytime, or probably shop, or just make her do anything for me anymore (she always does everything for me - clean my

closet, prepare whatever things I need, wake me up for school, and the list goes on). She will be living her life not only as my sister anymore, but more so as a wife to her fiance. And I sound so selfish and jealous, I know.

I want to keep a very positive outlook on this, in fact I am really happy for her - one of her lifelong dream is being married to her man of ten years - and without questions, I am surely very happy that this thing turned out right for her. And instead of thinking of losing a sister on this event, I might as well be flying optimistic about gaining a new legit brother, and soon a new baby to bully perhaps? Haha. But yeah, seriously maybe this wedding wouldn't necessarily take my sister away from me but more like earn me a new family.

So I probably should stop being a selfish whining bitch and just be happy for the good things happening to my loves. I should just be a little mature and selfless to give way to whatever makes them happy. I love them and whatever makes me good, I should respect.

It's all drama.

We asked ourselves, what makes us complete? And there are just a lot of answers that we feel missing that makes us incomplete, struggling to live our life for we seek the ‘harmony’.

I’ve reflected for weeks, deactivated all my social networking accounts for I needed to isolate the grasped knowledge of information from the stolen thoughts of my past. Everyday I learn from the feeds which takes me away from a piece that should’ve changed the story of my life; my mom.

I was hard on myself, pouring out the emotions over and over. I keep forming depression which made me think my career dilemma and the failure to start something special with ‘someone’. It was too much of a failure for me which I had a breakdown. Well, this is me. I cry.

It’s been twenty three years of being clueless if my mom is still alive. It’s not easy for I don’t know where and how to start. I may have the latest technology ways but it does not straight me in finding a part of me knowing just one truth. Nothing is special when I was three years old; enjoyed my growth of existence but it strikes me the most when my mom left us with no reason at all. Just like that. Yeah, just like that.

I guess I’m the best dramatic actor of my generation. Friends don’t get to hear me say all these emotions behind the smiles I’m giving them, for the moment I take on that soft spot, I just can’t stop crying. Believe me. This is the truth that I fight to live everyday. Truth really hurts. Some are just lucky enough, and I am not.

This is my life, it’s all drama, but I never get tired of dealing with it.

I’m now starting from scratch, opening the new chapters of my story book. It will be a rough challenge taking this courage out of me. I tell you, it doesn’t stop here.

To you mom, I will never give up.