Today is the month of September. In just a few days, I’ll be celebrating my 1st anniversary working in this institution. Many things had happened since the day I started here. Things have been rewarding – financial, personal and social investments, I should say. Life has become generous to me. And I’m very thankful for that.
And then I saw this: “If you just won a million pesos, would you quit your job?”
To tell you, I am not practicing what I took in college. I am a medical professional (physical therapist) but my job is more focused on doing administrative works and oversee the daily operation of the hospital. Occasionally, I get treatment schedule with patients but admin work is still my first priority. Plus, in the hospital where I work, seldom do they have patients referred for PT. Most of the time I stay on my desk, doing some reports and computing budget allocations. Workload is just fine. I can meet the deadlines and demands. In terms of salary, it is above the minimum but not high enough to make you buy everything you want. It is just enough for everyday living. Working atmosphere is just average. People, as much as possible, try to get along with each other. And I think that is good.
Knowing that I’m not practicing my profession, it is easy to conclude that I’ll just quit my job, right? But that is not the case. Yes, physical therapy profession in our country is not as financially rewarding unlike working abroad. Physical therapists share the same fate with the nurses except that the latter’s demand for employment has declined. There’s no other way to be financially wealthy, as a clinician, other than going abroad. But I don't want to work there. I can settle here, and find a PT-related job that economically satisfies me and my family. As I kept mentioning to my friends, I want to see my house being built here, drive my car around the streets where I learned to ride my bike and see my children being raised on the land where I grew up.
Going back, another thing present in my job is corruption. It is blatant and everyone in the office just seems to neglect it. My boss keeps it but everyone knows about. An open secret in short. This is actually my greatest challenge. Like everyone who’s idealistic and dreams of a society functioning as a whole, I am determined to get rid of it even just on my workplace. All my school life, I have been living the idealistic system of democratic governance - being transparent to funds, being able to question and all. Then when I get to the real world this is what it’s going to be? And even tell me to just accept the fact as it has been the practice of everyone and everywhere? It’s very ironic. Para saan pa ang pinaggagawa naming sa eskwela kung gano’n din lang pala? I have been obvious in the office that I don’t (and will ever) tolerate it, questioning reports and pointing out wrong and erroneous doings of my boss. These things, at the time when I was aggressive in doing so, made my office life difficult and quitting. Even my colleagues in the office are telling me that that has been the practice so I can’t do anything. I was really about to quit. But an advice from a good mentor told me to just dance as my boss says so, wait for my turn to become the one in-charge and then I’ll do what is best. And so I wait.
Considering all, will I quit my job for 1 million pesos?
Today, I’m saying no. There are still things I want to experience in this field – dealing with seniors and subordinates, analyzing how such system works (including those that make things complicated) and broadening my views to the working environment. Diversity - of ideas, attitudes and cultures – has its own way of brilliance. Making life hard to deal with but you still win because you discover so many things around it.
But from the moment I received the million pesos, I will start investing and build my livestock/ poultry business. I would start getting short courses on business and those related to my profession. Nothing still beats the feeling of seeing how great your patient has been from the moment you met her. If things work out well with the business, I might just start my own clinic. And as my leisure, I’ll be a photographer, immortalizing moments that would somehow remind people how excellent life can be.
By that time, I’ll be in-charge of my own business, of my own clinic, of my own society. By then, I’ll be appreciating all the great lessons about work – the diversity of people, the possibilities for change, and the pleasures of challenge – and then I’ll quit this job.
Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.
The only defense I know now.
P.S. I'm so sorry, Mom, I only miss you now.
...and I'm not talking about my weight.
My siblings and I are close. I guess that's the simplest statement to start this entry. We grew up sleeping in the same bed. We played luksong baka, piko, jackstone, habulan, tumbang preso, jerbase, chinese garter and all those shizzles together (yes even my only brother played jackstone). We went to the same school. We just lived together everyday of our childhood lives.
Until we grew up to have our own lives, our own friends, our own priorities as mature persons, and being the youngest, I am most affected by this. Now that my siblings are starting to have their own families, my immature self feels like being left alone. I have always been with them most of my life and now that one by one, they're starting to build their lives without me in the picture, a part of me feels extremely sad, even bummer is an understatement.
I’ve reflected for weeks, deactivated all my social networking accounts for I needed to isolate the grasped knowledge of information from the stolen thoughts of my past. Everyday I learn from the feeds which takes me away from a piece that should’ve changed the story of my life; my mom.
I was hard on myself, pouring out the emotions over and over. I keep forming depression which made me think my career dilemma and the failure to start something special with ‘someone’. It was too much of a failure for me which I had a breakdown. Well, this is me. I cry.
It’s been twenty three years of being clueless if my mom is still alive. It’s not easy for I don’t know where and how to start. I may have the latest technology ways but it does not straight me in finding a part of me knowing just one truth. Nothing is special when I was three years old; enjoyed my growth of existence but it strikes me the most when my mom left us with no reason at all. Just like that. Yeah, just like that.
I guess I’m the best dramatic actor of my generation. Friends don’t get to hear me say all these emotions behind the smiles I’m giving them, for the moment I take on that soft spot, I just can’t stop crying. Believe me. This is the truth that I fight to live everyday. Truth really hurts. Some are just lucky enough, and I am not.
This is my life, it’s all drama, but I never get tired of dealing with it.
To you mom, I will never give up.
Three years ago, on this day, I was excited for my first day of internship in a rehab hospital in Quezon City. There were lots of firsts on that time: first time to be with clinicians, to handle patients, be with PT students coming from other schools. First time to practice what we've learned for the past 4 years, to handle actual patients. I was really enthusiastic at that time, ready to try different stuffs on the patient. And it was also my first time to celebrate my birthday at "work".
It wasn't really a big deal. I'm celebrating my birthday anyway. Most of the time, I just hear a mass and the day is nothing but regular.
For over three years, my list of "first's" continued to lengthen: out-of-the-country trip (which is my first plane ride also), Disneyland, vote on a national election, try slide-for-life, job interview, pay slip, photoshoot, fire a gun, write a blog, and visit foreign places. Worth noting was also the first time I paid the bills at home. Of all experiences, the most challenging would be rappelling that 120-ft mountain ridge in Tarlac and the best would be my first interview on live TV. And my camera would be the best thing I ever had.
Of course, not all would be good. I also had my first experience of losing my phone, seeing corruption right in front of me, note experiencing Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve with my family and moving out from home. It was so depressing. Really.
In just 2 days, I'll be gaining another year. And my passion for "firsts" is just starting.
Thank you for these years.
My uncle passed away today.
He wasn't the best uncle. All my life, I never really felt he's one.
He wasn't the best brother to my mom. I remember my mother narrating how my uncle (her eldest brother) would physically hurt him whenever she was caught with a man back in her teenage years. My mother almost literally sustained him and his family, giving him money when he has none and paying for all his hospital bills because he didn't have any savings of his own. This uncle of mine sold our small business then, the business my parents worked hard for, all for his good.
He wasn't the best son to my lola. He hurt my lola so many times with his rude words and behavior. He even asked my lola to leave HER own house after some misunderstanding, that's why she's lived with us from then on.
He wasn't the best husband and father. He went abroad when his kids were still young and never came back as a father for them. He had a daughter with another woman and his legit family had to live their lives without him. My legit cousins had to stop school and start working to support themselves.
I hated him for not being a good man. When I knew he was nearing his time, I wasn't really struck and just accepted it casually.
But when I saw him already lifeless, it hit me. It pierced my heart bull's eye. Nothing really matters now but my uncle, a brother so loved by my mom, a son so treasured by my lola, my uncle who is part of my family.
RIP, Kaka. I pray you find your peace.
I am graced with liberty which I make my own pick to live my life to the heights of what I want. To some, they are defended to the pieces of reality that shallows the mind and sole’s the heart. I have the gifts that some would wish to have and I wish for the gifts that someone has. But then, life is not about comparison rather a balance of an open box to a box with a tightened ribbon. I savour the simplest canteen foods to the high-end staging of fine dining. I travel the long roads and fly through the gentle winds until I reach overseas. I enjoy the laugh with good friends to the countless booze at the events. And so I asked, “Is this the goal of liberty?”
This week, I am turning twenty-six. The start had just got into me, where I have to pull all my strength to label desire and priorities. I invested a good deal with my present needs and created my bliss of independence. I never thought the future is hasty, and everytime I check my account I’m on a slow phase. Most of the things I ever wanted when I was a kid, I can say that at this point of my life, a lot of good hits and some are missed. And so I never fail to express my gratitude to God who’s genuinely blessing my talents, to my friends who shares the heart of a family, to my family who believes in me, and to the places I’ve been that made me wonder and yet to see.
At this age, I think about three things; Career, Money, and Relationship. Career is next after you graduate. It’s been five years now when I had my first job and I realized that until now I don’t have a career, I only have a job. Growth is not part of what I do; I may be pleased with the supervision I wanted but this does not give me challenge to the truth. I have the job title of a lead and I gathered all the reasons to leave, never had I asked myself: “Am I good enough?” When you make the question you have to hold one answer for if you don’t, you are throwing confusion with what’s ahead of you. Having this job provides me the money that opens the opportunity to all my desires. This is the part that I baffle myself to value priority but I am proud of not having any credit card since I started working. When you don’t seek for that evil card, it’s the start of a school of discipline. So I gave my thoughts a clear meaning that I have to save up to aim for my long term goals. When you learn to cost career with money, you get broke with relationship. Now I often ignore the windows of love for I don’t push my emotions to someone who seeks temporary happiness instead of a blissful blessing. Love is patient as they say coz the more you rush the sooner the story ends for you.
This is now the new me thinking at twenty-six, another age of wisdom. Define what you want and discern the purpose, it is setting the borders of liberty. :)
Labels: Self empowerment