I seriously want to just sleep the remaining days of November away.
I’m supposed to love November, I used to love November – my birth month, and is usually my lucky month, but definitely not this year.
It all started well - "well" is actually an understatement, let me say it started with a bang! I was in a meaningful retreat, celebrated my birthday with co-workers and the whole of the university, another birthday celebration with my friends... There wasn't a minute I wasn't thanking God for the most wonderful life some people could only dream. Until...
- I lost one of my phones (Nokia; I forgot the unit model). I always bring two phones, my Globe and my Sun. The Sun phone isn't technically mine, the postpaid line is an extension of my then-boyfriend's plan, and the phone unit is his too. I'm not really sure how I lost it, it wasn't stolen that I'm sure, it might have slipped from my bag or something.
- We were told that our salary will be delayed. Imagine working since start of November, without salary UNTIL NOW. This isn't really complain-worthy because I'm totally ok with it, I still have some savings... but still.
- With my ATM empty, I even lost the cash I have in my wallet. This one's been happening to me for several months already everytime I go to this certain place. I seriously broke down when I knew it because it was alloted for my allowance until I get my salary. Seriously, how can people be that heartless and insensitive?
- My Globe phone (Samsung Ultra Tocco S8300; touch screen, slide with keypad, 8MP camera) started acting up. I've been using it for more than a year without any problems until it acted up. I didn't see it coming as it was in a mint condition, but without any sign or symptom, it started restarting all by itself. The screen started blacking out for some reasons, and then...
- I lost that Samsung phone. Losing the Sun phone wasn't a really big deal because it was just a spare, it's actually been disconnected for several weeks already but my Globe phone was my jewel. It contains ALL my contacts and other important things. It's the most amazing phone one could ever have, besides that, it was a graduation gift from my mother. It's my most loved phone because it takes digital-camera-quality pictures, the MP3 player was very user friendly, and the fact that it's touch screen with a keypad just suits my mood. I was totally devastated. Again, I wasn't sure how it was lost. I placed it in the pocket of my back pack on my way to the bus station going to Batangas, and then poof! It's gone as I checked it on my seat.
- I finally have cut my ties with a past. This one was my personal decision. I wouldn't lie that since we broke up last year, we've still been trying to patch things up and get back together. He tried, I can see that, and I did my best, too, but it wasn't working. I had doubts with myself, I had huge doubts with my feelings and the only thing I was sure of was that I want to stop hurting him. Guilt was probably one of the many reasons. I should stop lying to him. I have to stop making him believe that we're good when in fact, I've been wanting to get away. I know I'm selfish. I have to be this time.
I know I'm not supposed to weep like I'm the biggest loser in this earth but fter all of these and more have happened, I just want to cuddle up in bed and sleep and wait for this month to end, or shall I say I want all the disappointments to end. I want all the hurts to go away. I want all the bad vibes to be gone.
On a positive note, as much as I want all of these unfortunate events to just leave me alone, I still want to thank the Lord for helping me get through and giving me the best support system there is - my sisters.
I seriously want to just sleep the remaining days of November away.
Last week I was rushed to USTH ER for I was experiencing severe abdominal pain with nausea. It came to my senses that I cannot bear the pain so I had to admit myself, but I have to go on a coaster hospital procedure. I came in with no companion, suddenly all eyes were on me for they would only admit me if I have a companion.
Queries started to muddle my mind, voices were scattered and letters were disoriented to form a word. I cannot answer directly to the med intern who was writing down my personal data. A sudden feeling of self-pity with my burbled thoughts of being alone holding a small source of strength almost failed me. The med intern was patiently monitoring me and did everything to help me until a friend of mine arrived to deliver my tests. It was almost morning when I was feeling better, so the results came in which the procedures made were all normal then an ultra-sound of LGPS (Liver-Gallbladder-Pancreas-Spleen) was requested to confirm if I have Cholelithiasis.
On my ultra sound:
Gallbladder Polyp and/or Cholesterolosis. Liver, Pancreas, and Spleen – NEGATIVE.
Then my Doctor told me that there’s nothing to worry but it’s recommended that I have to change my diet meaning, less on salty and oily foods. And so I guess, it is a relief that I have no stones and not to undergo surgical procedures of any sort.
A hasty realization managed to instil me thoughts of small ways that can deliver big results. Awareness; often neglected, for some it’s not even existing on their own terms but for me, it’s more than just a noun that invites you to knowledge and great lessons. So let me share you an excerpt of my Thank You note (The day I learned to pray):
Independence; the term for freedom. Alone; the struggle for strength. Living on your own with no family, just plainly guided by the certainty of your ruled existence can be difficult at some point especially when you’re sick. It’s like you’re trap to a thin moist ready to be stained. Some will be a touch, but most are just breeze, and unexpectedly there are some who let you believe the truth in the silence of their emotions.
I’ve lost my own light, cannot even build my own ray, for I always forget the great source where strength is always a hope, Him. I started to look at my hands, feeding the thoughts to my palms to close and feel each other. Warm, sweaty and trembling sensing like it was my first time. Thoughts were hanging, words won’t come out, and sight was static. But then I realized I don’t want any script, so I made it simple and said, “Lord, please help me.”
‘This is the day’ I learned to pray.
Now, I have new lessons to share. First, no matter what our problem is even how painful we suffer never fail to turn to God for He is the great source of eternal strength. Second, never neglect the saying ‘lahat ng sobra nakakasama’ for we never know when life gets tricky. And lastly, always feel that you are loved and cared by anyone for life is a shared blessing and we are not doomed to live alone on an island.
As they say, Health is Wealth, and so I add, Health needs Help.
For two months, I was out of this world. No fone, no internet connection, no other people to talk to other than my colleagues and instructors. We were on a strict training. Everyday was planned and scheduled - waking up and sleeping, daily exercise routine, running for kilometers, dragging boots across roads and mountain ridges during twilight, eating for only 3x a day with a viand you don't know the taste. Money, like we used to know, has no value as we are not allowed to buy (and stores are located kilometers outside the training area). It was tedious yet challenging. And if I were a complaining kid, I bet I'll quit right on the 1st week.
With the new environment came new faces. Those that are worth keeping made everyday to look forward to while the others who seem like an additional load are just as worthy as the petty talks inside the quarters. I really try to minize on that aspect as I'm not really used to it. Atleast it made us kill time easier at nights while waiting until its time to sleep.
And so I realized the value of the things around me. Simple talks with friends and family, taste of Pan de Sal, pancit canton and Sky flakes, see time on a watch or clock, read newspaper on a daily basis, set foot on a van or trike so as not to walk and the scent of fresh laundry. I missed out on many things and events - birthday celebrations, halloween parties, get togethers - things that I'm used to be always present, if not the "punong-abala" (organizer).
For the whole stay, there's one guiding principle for all of us. That is, to have the right attitude. That everything can be accomplished at a given time if you only put your mind at it, if you believe in your capabilities, in your skills. To foresight the finish line in every run, the Cloud 9 dessert in every meal, the Downy Isang Banlaw everytime I do laundry, the open time during weekends so I steal a nap. These are the simple joys of life that guided us, that molded the attitude that we have right now, and will help us serve this country with honor and passion.