one.one.eleven

"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul."

Happy new soul! It was a great 2010 for me and you are a part of it.

Thank you!

Run

(me, my brother, and my cousin)

The Power of "NO"

There was this one episode from the fifth season of How I Met Your Mother which guest starred Jennifer Lopez, and was entitled "Of Course". J.Lo's character, Anita Appleby, was the author of the self-help book "Of Course You're Still Single, Take A Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut" which was themed to empower women by merely saying "no".



And I never thought that I would ever relate my life to a TV show as goofy and comic as HIMYM. This certain episode is something that I actually used in real life, and I bet it worked.

My friends know me as a boundlessly kind person (or do they really? :P), accepting things good and bad with a smile, saying thank you even to the enemy, and being positive about things. I say "yes" almost all the time to almost all things. I feel like I was born to be the second Mother Theresa (LOL). But as the cliche goes, too much of something is just, well, too much and is not good. My being kind has been abused so many times and I realized that this time, I have to say no when the situation calls to protect myself. I realized that selfishness is a good thing in moderation. Well, everything is.

Saying 'no' doesn't necessarily have to mean negation in all sense. Sometimes, it can be something positive - and nothing can be a better vibe than empowering yourself.

Blind Date

Have you ever imagined yourself sitting on a chair having a dinner with a stranger? Well for some years, it was termed as “EB” or “eyeball” which for me is the jologs name for “blind date”. I never thought that I would agree on a setup like this, which at first I was really hesitant but then I gave a smile on my face.

On a short notice, I was having a difficulty on my “whats”; what to wear, what to say and what to be. So my mood was a mix up of fear and thrill with a bang of confusion. ‘Do I really need this? Am I really a frustrated single hitting on luck?’

I had no choice for I already blocked my schedule just for this date. I arrived at the venue not knowing who I’m going to meet. Here comes the jologs text: ‘Where are you exactly? What color are you wearing?’ Oh crap I hate it! It’s like asking the good old days on chat, ‘ASL PLS?’. Hopes were down ‘coz honestly I really have a mid-to-high standards. I went to the meeting place and approached my date, and then there goes my friendly smile.

The first choice for our dinner was a Vietnamese resto, but since the mall was too crowded we can hardly find a table, we decided to grab some pasta-pizza at another resto. I already placed my order at the cashier, and just right after I paid, “Pwede mo bang i-cancel ‘yong order mo? Sa iba na lang tayo.” (Wow! Ako naman itong si masunurin, pina-cancel ko naman) It was already too late to cancel the order so we stayed instead. I was disappointed when I saw my date didn’t finish the meal, I asked: “What’s wrong? Bakit hindi mo inubos yan?”... “I don’t like it. Masyadong dry at fried (referring to chicken)”. So we left, the food was untouched and abandoned. Poor chicken, sana binigay na lang sa mga bata sa lansangan; a deed I was hoping my date to think of.

After the dinner, we had a long talk about love life, some random persons and work related topics. The highlight of the evening was the boiling emotions of my date’s recent break up. I was like the Love Doctor giving advice to someone in bitter-ish pain. But I clearly understand that sometimes it’s good to grip some random thoughts from a stranger when you are down.

Then the night was over.

I would say it wasn’t a terrible date at all, it just didn’t start well. There was no satisfaction to me that the date was fun. Maybe I was too tightened with the venting which made the conversation ailing itself to be better. Still, I am thankful that I shared my opinions and most importantly I gain a friend.

Wake Me Up When November Ends

I seriously want to just sleep the remaining days of November away.

I’m supposed to love November, I used to love November – my birth month, and is usually my lucky month, but definitely not this year.

It all started well - "well" is actually an understatement, let me say it started with a bang! I was in a meaningful retreat, celebrated my birthday with co-workers and the whole of the university, another birthday celebration with my friends... There wasn't a minute I wasn't thanking God for the most wonderful life some people could only dream. Until...

- I lost one of my phones (Nokia; I forgot the unit model). I always bring two phones, my Globe and my Sun. The Sun phone isn't technically mine, the postpaid line is an extension of my then-boyfriend's plan, and the phone unit is his too. I'm not really sure how I lost it, it wasn't stolen that I'm sure, it might have slipped from my bag or something.

- We were told that our salary will be delayed. Imagine working since start of November, without salary UNTIL NOW. This isn't really complain-worthy because I'm totally ok with it, I still have some savings... but still.

- With my ATM empty, I even lost the cash I have in my wallet. This one's been happening to me for several months already everytime I go to this certain place. I seriously broke down when I knew it because it was alloted for my allowance until I get my salary. Seriously, how can people be that heartless and insensitive?

- My Globe phone (Samsung Ultra Tocco S8300; touch screen, slide with keypad, 8MP camera) started acting up. I've been using it for more than a year without any problems until it acted up. I didn't see it coming as it was in a mint condition, but without any sign or symptom, it started restarting all by itself. The screen started blacking out for some reasons, and then...

- I lost that Samsung phone. Losing the Sun phone wasn't a really big deal because it was just a spare, it's actually been disconnected for several weeks already but my Globe phone was my jewel. It contains ALL my contacts and other important things. It's the most amazing phone one could ever have, besides that, it was a graduation gift from my mother. It's my most loved phone because it takes digital-camera-quality pictures, the MP3 player was very user friendly, and the fact that it's touch screen with a keypad just suits my mood. I was totally devastated. Again, I wasn't sure how it was lost. I placed it in the pocket of my back pack on my way to the bus station going to Batangas, and then poof! It's gone as I checked it on my seat.

- I finally have cut my ties with a past. This one was my personal decision. I wouldn't lie that since we broke up last year, we've still been trying to patch things up and get back together. He tried, I can see that, and I did my best, too, but it wasn't working. I had doubts with myself, I had huge doubts with my feelings and the only thing I was sure of was that I want to stop hurting him. Guilt was probably one of the many reasons. I should stop lying to him. I have to stop making him believe that we're good when in fact, I've been wanting to get away. I know I'm selfish. I have to be this time.

I know I'm not supposed to weep like I'm the biggest loser in this earth but fter all of these and more have happened, I just want to cuddle up in bed and sleep and wait for this month to end, or shall I say I want all the disappointments to end. I want all the hurts to go away. I want all the bad vibes to be gone.

On a positive note, as much as I want all of these unfortunate events to just leave me alone, I still want to thank the Lord for helping me get through and giving me the best support system there is - my sisters.

Think, Feel and Pray

Last week I was rushed to USTH ER for I was experiencing severe abdominal pain with nausea. It came to my senses that I cannot bear the pain so I had to admit myself, but I have to go on a coaster hospital procedure. I came in with no companion, suddenly all eyes were on me for they would only admit me if I have a companion.

Queries started to muddle my mind, voices were scattered and letters were disoriented to form a word. I cannot answer directly to the med intern who was writing down my personal data. A sudden feeling of self-pity with my burbled thoughts of being alone holding a small source of strength almost failed me. The med intern was patiently monitoring me and did everything to help me until a friend of mine arrived to deliver my tests. It was almost morning when I was feeling better, so the results came in which the procedures made were all normal then an ultra-sound of LGPS (Liver-Gallbladder-Pancreas-Spleen) was requested to confirm if I have Cholelithiasis.


On my ultra sound:
Gallbladder Polyp and/or Cholesterolosis. Liver, Pancreas, and Spleen – NEGATIVE.

Then my Doctor told me that there’s nothing to worry but it’s recommended that I have to change my diet meaning, less on salty and oily foods. And so I guess, it is a relief that I have no stones and not to undergo surgical procedures of any sort.

A hasty realization managed to instil me thoughts of small ways that can deliver big results. Awareness; often neglected, for some it’s not even existing on their own terms but for me, it’s more than just a noun that invites you to knowledge and great lessons. So let me share you an excerpt of my Thank You note (The day I learned to pray):

Independence; the term for freedom. Alone; the struggle for strength. Living on your own with no family, just plainly guided by the certainty of your ruled existence can be difficult at some point especially when you’re sick. It’s like you’re trap to a thin moist ready to be stained. Some will be a touch, but most are just breeze, and unexpectedly there are some who let you believe the truth in the silence of their emotions.

I’ve lost my own light, cannot even build my own ray, for I always forget the great source where strength is always a hope, Him. I started to look at my hands, feeding the thoughts to my palms to close and feel each other. Warm, sweaty and trembling sensing like it was my first time. Thoughts were hanging, words won’t come out, and sight was static. But then I realized I don’t want any script, so I made it simple and said, “Lord, please help me.”

‘This is the day’ I learned to pray.

Now, I have new lessons to share. First, no matter what our problem is even how painful we suffer never fail to turn to God for He is the great source of eternal strength. Second, never neglect the saying ‘lahat ng sobra nakakasama’ for we never know when life gets tricky. And lastly, always feel that you are loved and cared by anyone for life is a shared blessing and we are not doomed to live alone on an island.

As they say, Health is Wealth, and so I add, Health needs Help.

Now at Ease

For two months, I was out of this world. No fone, no internet connection, no other people to talk to other than my colleagues and instructors. We were on a strict training. Everyday was planned and scheduled - waking up and sleeping, daily exercise routine, running for kilometers, dragging boots across roads and mountain ridges during twilight, eating for only 3x a day with a viand you don't know the taste. Money, like we used to know, has no value as we are not allowed to buy (and stores are located kilometers outside the training area). It was tedious yet challenging. And if I were a complaining kid, I bet I'll quit right on the 1st week.

With the new environment came new faces. Those that are worth keeping made everyday to look forward to while the others who seem like an additional load are just as worthy as the petty talks inside the quarters. I really try to minize on that aspect as I'm not really used to it. Atleast it made us kill time easier at nights while waiting until its time to sleep.

And so I realized the value of the things around me. Simple talks with friends and family, taste of Pan de Sal, pancit canton and Sky flakes, see time on a watch or clock, read newspaper on a daily basis, set foot on a van or trike so as not to walk and the scent of fresh laundry. I missed out on many things and events - birthday celebrations, halloween parties, get togethers - things that I'm used to be always present, if not the "punong-abala" (organizer).

For the whole stay, there's one guiding principle for all of us. That is, to have the right attitude. That everything can be accomplished at a given time if you only put your mind at it, if you believe in your capabilities, in your skills. To foresight the finish line in every run, the Cloud 9 dessert in every meal, the Downy Isang Banlaw everytime I do laundry, the open time during weekends so I steal a nap. These are the simple joys of life that guided us, that molded the attitude that we have right now, and will help us serve this country with honor and passion.

Thank YOU

I always wanted to teach because basically I like sharing what I know… But I never thought that teaching would be sharing what I know, and so much more. You don’t get to just share knowledge, but you share experiences.

I chose to teach because there’s a certain gene inside me that loves teaching, and just like true love, there can never be one good reason. You just love.

Signing off off my first semester. I, thank YOU.

"Ganito kami sa Maynila"

Salamat sa pagbuhos ng malakas na ulan. Sinubok mo ang pasensiya ko at nalagpasan ko ito. :)

I can't think of a title for this one

And weirdly, I almost can't think of anything at all.



After all these years, nothing's really changed in you. But myself, I did change -- a lot. I don't anymore complain when you seem to forget everything about me. I don't fight with you over the simplest petty things, even the grand ones. I'm not sure whether I've become more understanding over the years we're together, or have I just become indifferent? I'm scared it's the latter. I'm so sorry.

Postrejects for the photo.

Second Eighteen

February 14 is Valentine’s Day and it’s a title of a movie which I just recently watched. I was single back then (but not bitter), slowly moving on leaving behind a special occasion to everyone in love. Who wouldn’t watch a star-studded cast movie about love? Not me, I guess I was just lonely that month. It reveals about different couples in love that deals with unlike factors involving them. Boy meets girl with pleasure, a husband who is unfaithful, a woman who chooses her career over love, bestfriends who failed to realize they were in love, a mom’s sacrifice just to see her son, puppy love and gay couples on the headlines. The emphasis is more on both ways, delivering love in various behaviours. Selfish and selfless, two tails that makes the choices but with only one decision. It’s a great movie.

Why would I write about this movie? Not for any reason, but more of realization which I never thought I would feel myself portraying a character, not of who I choose to be but of who I am. So, I finally found my partner and our relationship is sailing to a wavy coast. It’s uneasy, we both know that.

And so, I made my Valentine’s card for the one I love.

Love is always a happy sense, if it’s not it is still love, but you are just facing the consequences. Thank you for this great movie to our Second Eighteen.

Parang Lego

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Yan ang mga lyrics ng kantang Affirmation ng bandang Savage Garden. Dahil Miyerkules ngayon, balik sa 80's at 90's ang kanta sa isang radio station. Sa tuwing naririnig ko ang kantang yan ay palagi akong napapaisip. Hindi malungkot, hindi rin emo. Napapaisip hindi tungkol sa hinaharap at kung ano pa ang pwedeng mangyari. Kundi tungkol sa kung ano na ang nagdaan at ang bumubuo sa aking pagkatao.


-Minuto (Naniniwala sa kaluluwa ng kanta. Salamat sa musika ng dekada nobenta.)

TGFGF

Thank God for Good Friends. ♥

Sige na, basahin mo.

Isang minuto lang naman ito.

Nais lang namin magpakilala, hmm, hindi pala -- nais namin, sa pinakamadaling paraan, na maiparating sa iyo kung gaano kasaya mabuhay, kung gaano karaming bagay ang mayron ka, ang nangyayari sa iyo, na pinapangarap lamang ng iba. Ang mga susunod mong mababasa ay mga simpleng pangyayari/bagay/tao sa buhay, na kadalasan ay nakakaligtaan na natin, ngunit sa aming paningin, at sana'y sa iyo rin, ay karapat dapat ipagpasalamat, kahit isang minuto lang.

photo: sircheel

***
Malayo sa pagiging palasyo ang aming tahanan, malayo sa pagiging hari at reyna ang aking mga magulang, ngunit sa kakaibang paraan ay naranasan ko ang maging isang prinsesa -- busog sa pagmamahal, kailanma’y di nakaranas ng pagkalam ng tiyan, nabigyan ng anumang naisin, kadalasan nga’y labis pa sa kagustuhan ko. Naging napakadali para sa akin ang mamuhay, naging napakaganda ng pagtingin ko sa hinaharap, at naging masayahin at positibo sa lahat ng bagay. Sa sandaling panahon na nabubuhay ako ay nakamit ko na siguro ang lahat – mapagmahal na pamilya, mabubuting kaibigan, not-so-complicated na buhay pag-ibig, de kalidad ng edukasyon, makabuhay-pamilyang trabaho.

Sabihin mo sa akin, sinong hindi magpapasalamat?





***
Kamay ang aking gabay na bumubuo sa aking talento. Guhit ng aking emosyon, pero hindi ko akalain na ito ang susulat ng aking buhay. Tatlong siyudad ang nagpapatunay sa aking pagkatao na sumisimbolo sa mga taong lumaking walang gabay na may pinaniniwalaang pag-asa. Simple lang ang gusto kong iparating, nabuhay akong mag-isa. Maraming pinagkait sa akin pero hindi dahilan para isuko ang magagandang bagay.

Layunin kong ibigay ang araw-araw na kulay ng buhay na makikita sa aking mga nadadaanan, nakakasalamuha, napupuna sa opisina man o kahit saan. Mahirap maging “independent” sabi nga nila, at ang sabi ng iba masaya dahil nagagawa mo ang lahat. Parehong tama at hindi lahat meron pagkakataon na ganito. Ang mga katulad namin ay maraming iniisip na madalas hindi na nabibigyan pansin ang mga maliliit na bagay na masarap pasalamatan. Hindi ang mundo ko ang nais kong ibahagi, kundi ang paraan ng pagkatao kong makita ang mundo nating lahat.





***
Ang pagkakaroon ng emosyon ay hindi isang bagay na pinagdedesisyunan. Ito'y parte ng isang sirkulasyon kung saan ang bawat estado ay mahalaga. Malungkot, masaya, in-lab, galit at sawi. Lahat ay mahalaga. Lahat ay nagbabago. At sa bawat pagkakataon ay may dahilan para magpasalamat.

Yan ang gusto kong ibahagi sa blog na ito. Na ang lahat ay mahalaga, na lahat ay may dahilan. At mahalaga na ikaw ay marunong magpasalamat sa kung anog meron ka.





Salamat sa pagbasa. Kita tayo ulit.

Hope is Contagious

I was bound to go home when I decided to take a simple walk in Quiapo to buy some pirated DVD's. I know it's not a good deed but I can't help it. It's cheap and you're gonna use it once anyway so why not buy it? But I'm not encouraging you to buy some. Still, original copies are the best. When I came to a movie stand where DVD's are sold like hotcakes (for it costs way cheaper than before), I saw this movie: Letters to God.

I'm not gonna right a movie review about it in this blog. I'll leave that somewhere in cyberspace. Instead, I'll give you an idea about the film. Its about Tyler, a boy with cancer, who writes letters to God. His letters were encountered by Brady, a mailman who's having struggles with his life. They entered each one's life and the story goes on. This is a Christian movie, as the title says, but anyone can benefit from it for in the end, you'll have that heartwarming feeling. Was actually teary-eyed when I ended the film.

I am thankful for these pirated DVD's for if it doesn't exist, I won't encounter Tyler's story.

Kaway ng Buhay

Sa araw-araw ako’y gigising, babangon at mabibingi sa pag-iisa. Bababa sa hagdan, maglalakad at maghahanap ng makakainan. “Ate isa nga pong Tapsilog, scrambled, takeout.” Bubuksan, titignan, at uuwi na para kumain. Pauli-ulit hanggang sa ikaw ay makilala.

Kinabukasan didilat ang mata, nagugutom at babalik. “Ate order ko po Tocilog.” Iaabot ang aking ulam na naka-styro at titignan: ‘Aba, alam na ni ate na scrambled egg ang gusto ko.’ Hindi ko sila kilala sa pangalan, at hindi rin nila alam ang pangalan ko. Ang alam ko lang, customer ako at sila ang taga-kuha ng order ko.

Pero iba ang nangyari ng minsan ako ay napadaan sa kanto para mamasyal, ordinaryong araw na wala akong inaasahan. Magkakasama sila at nagkukumpulan sa sulok. Dumaan ako ng nagtetext nang hindi ko inaasahan,

“Sir, good morning! Kain po tayo!”

Lahat sila bumati sa akin ng maaliwas, lahat naka-ngiti na pinaramdam nilang iba ang araw na iyon. Simple man ang buhay nila na may marangal na trabaho, sila ang mga taong hindi mo inaasahang magpapaalala sa’yo na ang simpleng mga bagay ay pinasasalamatan. At karapat dapat silang bigyan ng isang malaking pasasalamat sa magandang pakikisalamuha. Ang pagbating iyon ay ang “Kaway” ng Buhay. Salamat mga kaibigan.

Ako Naman

California Berry Frozen Yogurt
(Tomas Morato)

Biglaang pagkakaibigan, hindi inaasahan, walang pagaalinlangan, sarap ng pagkaalala. Maasim ka man sa panlasa pero depende kung alin ang pipiliin, gaya ng yogurt na ito hindi ko alam kung kelan ka tatamis dahil madalas kitang hawak na malamig. SANA AKO NAMAN...Salamat sa nabahagi mong oras.

An Open Letter to a Typhoon

Dear Basyang,

Hi there. I hope you're doing well, hmm I know you are. You've proven yourself already -- and I must say you were good at it. But I'm not here to tell you you've ruined most of my plans for today but instead, weird as it may sound to you, I seriously want to THANK YOU, big time.

Why the heck would I be thankful to your growling winds and home-wrecking powers? Why would I be happy you came at this most tempting time, when work demands the most from me? There are documents to be filed and collated, papers to be checked, and of course, a college to be accredited. But you came and everything turned its way to the opposite. None of those pushed through, I'm quite disappointed, but moreso, I'm very thankful.

Today I thought was going to be usual, but Basyang, in your unique way, you made it more special. Let me tell you how grateful I am that you came, in God's time I believe.

• Our country's been suffering from gross drought for quite sometime now. It's just undeniably hotter in the Philippines these past months, and it's almost draining most of our water resources, and then you came. You don't have much of the rainfall but still, you helped a lot in giving us some water we've been praying for months now.
• You made me use my blankets again.
• And also my favorite jacket.
• I finally got some decent nap! I woke up early but when I found out classes are suspended, I just rolled up in my sheets again and slept for another bunch of five or so hours.
• I was forced to buy some food to store for the next few days (like bread, canned goods, etc) and that means I won't have to always eat out -- more savings for a wageless person like me.
• Sister and I bonded again after quite some time! Since we didn't have anything to do after dinner, we just talked about, well, basically everything.
• Even if you cut electricity out for almost 24 hours in our area, it didn't really bothered me because, as stated, you were airy enough. I couldn't just imagine how would I look like if your cool breeze wasn't there and there wasn't electricity. I surely don't want to soak in my salty sweat.
• Since electricity was out, laptop's dead since last night, Globe and Sun networks were down (inside our apartment, that is. tsk), I decided to read a book. I haven't read a book in a while, I mean a real novel, and not like the usual books I was into for the last three years or so (no bad vibes for you Snell, DeLisa and the gang), and I was able to finish it in I think, about 8 hours straight. So good job right there, Basyang!

Those are just some points I saw when Basyang came. Surely she hasn't been all good but as the day went for me, she wasn't as bad either. I took the chance to rest, contemplate on what she might bring to the environment, and do something worthwhile. I've been busy these past days and thanks Basyang for giving me, and our country, a break.

p.s. When will Popoyng come? Just kidding. Anyway, goodluck on your future trips!

Much Love and Respect,

Isang Minuto

Musings on the Road

Traffic has always been part of my life since I was in grade 1 – the time I learned that the road outside our village isn’t as friendly as what I thought it was. There’s too much pollution, noise and threat for your life. And too much stress if its raining (just like today). But I’ve come to embrace all these facts. That I’ve become comfortable with it. So much that every time I sit on a jeep, I am able to come up with my own monologue – about me, or about the people around me. Whether to appreciate or simply be sorry for having them with me. Or plan with my other self about the things we want to do on the coming weeks, on my next birthday, on the next out-of-town, or on the next Christmas party (and come up with the most creative cheer so we can enjoy another round of Pinoy Henyo). Questions come and transect my cortex. Sometimes confusing, but lately enlightening (especially these past few weeks where my reservoir of hope and good outlooks in life is draining). Whatever it is, all these years of commuting have taught me how to use this time in a better way.

Being in traffic is one of the things that people really hate. But I’ve been thankful for these moments.

Who Will Save Me?

I want to meet the old me -- the spiritual, God-fearing, non-judgmental, helping/serving/Utopic me.

I've been lost for the longest time and with my career right now, I thinking I'm starting to be redeemed. I was introduced to St. Josemaria Escriva and I'm thinking of actually making him part of my professional career. The main objective of the group is to help young professionals be saintly in their daily lives, and I know God worked that He made me know the group just now.

I want to devote some of my time to something else, and I'm thinking this might be the perfect "past time", the perfect something to do out of work. I'm very positive about this, and I'm more than optimistic with myself on this.

Maybe St. Josemaria's the one to save me from being lost for years. But on second thoughts, I, alone, can save my lost self. St. Josemaria and the group are just there to help.

A Story thru Their Words

These past few weeks, I’ve been really down suffocating myself with tears. Last night I had a breakdown, and there are people who will be there for you regardless of who they are; a long time friend, a past teacher, a stranger, person you met just once, someone you met on the net, and your bestfriends. Their words will tell you my story...

The Alma Mater: With all honesty, I don’t know how to respond. This has been your concern since college and I thought you have recovered. I don’t mean to be biased, the mere fact that your father was hurt, only means that whatever you told him had a significant impact on him.

Take time to recover, then talk. I suggest you initiate. Humble yourself. Walang sumbatan for 22 years. You just told na ginapang mo ang pagkatao mo, aren’t you proud of that?

You did it on your own before, why can’t you do it this time? You’re a talented person, that’s why I have always believed in you. Whatever your situation at this time will be a trauma until you learn to forgive, accept and let go.

You’ve made it this far. Now you’re telling me you’ll quit? As I’ve told you before never let your temper control you. The mere you’re hurting yourself and your family.

Kasi yan ang lagi mong pinaniniwalaan na mag-isa ka. Hindi ito competition na may kampihan. Learn to live on your own. You depend on your dad kasi ang condition mo dapat lang kasi pinabayaan kayo, tapos kung hindi makabigay nanunumbat ka. Learn not to depend.

The Believer: “He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3” Kaya mo bang ibaba pride mo para mag-reach out sa kanya? After all, dad mo siya. In humility, try lang talking to him. But if it’s not yet time keep still lang. If you have mustered enough strength, try mo lang. Who knows the tide might change? Baka dahil din sa miscommunication kaya kayo nagkaganyan. It’s okay to cry and alam ko mahirap na may misunderstanding kayo ng dad mo.

Calm down ka muna, baka kasi may masabi tayong nakakasakit na pagsisisihn natin sa huli pag may galit tayo sa puso. Cool down ka muna, sleep ka na. Then tomorrow, think things over and maybe ready ka na.

The Happy Guy: Masakit din kasi sa tatay ‘yong malaman niya na kulang ang ginagawa niya for you. Naranasan ko rin yan k ay dad, eksaktong yan. At least you were able to voice out, alam niya how you feel about the situation. Let things cool down a bit, then talk to him again. Me and dad we didn’t talk. My lola died and after nun, snap. Okay na kami. The loss compensated for the long discussions to forgiveness. Birthpains, it will teach you a lot. Trust me. Believe that there’s a greater plan somewhere there.

Family is one thing, your life is another. Unless you prove to them what a loss you are. Kailangan mo muna matanggap na they found their happiness in other places or people and so should you. Hindi naman sa kalimutan mo sila, but try to make the most out of the independence you have, which other’s don’t

The Supporter: I may never fully understand the situation you are in with regard to your relationship with your father pero through the years, I've come to realize that saying what you really feel towards a person esp. on a very personal level can do you a huge favor. For me, that is through a letter. Sabihin mo LAHAT ng gusto mo sabihin.

If your dad refuse to understand where your angst is coming from then I think it's time for you to tell everything to him. 'wag ka lang masyadong galit, ha? Try being calm about it. You' can't resolve things na mainit ang ulo mo. Isipin mo na lang that you're doing yourself a big favor. 'Wag na para sa iba, para sa'yo na lang at para sa ikatatahimik ng kalooban mo. From there, bahala na tatay mo.

The Hopeful: People won't get hurt or be affected if the person in question doesn't matter to them that much. Hurt usually comes from loving someone.

A Friend: Hey! dunno how to cheer you up really but yeah, think this way.. everything is gonna be alright! You'll definitely be okay because you’re strong! You'll get thru it. Whatever you're gong thru with people you disagree with will soon realized you're better than what it seems.

The Stranger: Sometimes we feel that way. In order for us to let go of it is to embrace it first. It's part of growing as an individual.

The Sweet Girl: First of hindi ka abala sa akin dear. Wish I’m there at your side ngayon. Hug tight, I love you so much.

The Dreamer: If you believe you've done wrong and went overboard, say Sorry... Mahal ka namin, poreber and eber...

Without these words, I might not have enough strength to continue my life now. A simple *hug* or the sweetest “I love you” are my comfort words, but I never expected that there are people who gives more meaning to what is given. There are reasons why we feel emotional but there are far more than that of what is light and blissful that we need to appreciate for it is not just strength, it is LIFE.

God, thank you for giving me the ‘persons’ of my life. THANK YOU ALL.

Dry Run

Words were cluttered and emotions were blurred for it was a tense with excitement; it was the perfect feeling to finally meet you. I waved my hand and smiled at you, and then you walked with me to share our outlying emotions that we’ve been holding back. Gazing was my verb, for my eyes won’t stop creating a story while you talk and never have I imagined that monochrome sight would dust into pixel of colours. It was not just a precious time at that moment but intended for a lifetime lock that only two of us would be able to unchain. Every detail was clear that gave a deep meaning to the grounds of my love.

I care so much about your struggles of pulling your arrow to its right path. I simply love the way you smile with the nice birth mark on your lips which is enticing to kiss and even pouting your lips is remarkably distinguish. I get stun every time you do the cross-eyed trick that you won’t allow me to record but its fine for we share a memorable laugh. I enjoy seeing your cute tantrums when I don’t allow you to mess up my hair. I like the way you squeeze me with your arms locking our fingers together. They are not continuity of my ‘because’ for reasons are fed by the mind and so, I love you by its meaning.

All the while I thought it was the start of our own label when you said ‘I love you’, but when you uttered ‘parang tayo pero hindi’ gave me a stop to think. I wasn’t sure if I had to have a second thought or will just ask you. And so I asked what’s these all about because the day I chose to live the moment with you was a decision to drop all my fears, but your words were telling me to pickup those what I just waste on my sides. I nearly gave up my feelings for I only wished was your time that made me like a stranger asking for alms.

My love is the truth and I hope that all of this wouldn’t be just a lie trapped in a longing relationship for that isn’t a true love. I love not ‘because’ rather I love you followed by its meaning. It isn’t just a snap of thoughts; it is a strike of a sudden rush from a root that builds up an endless feeling. Now, I get this paranoia of the clock ticking that keeps me from thinking that you’re fading anytime soon.

Please read & listen for each letter I type now will be ended in a while. “You are a genuine gift with a heartbeat and a fragile shadow. I may not be a priority to you right now, but I hope you soon unwrap your box for the moment you will be open is the valuable time that true love will enfold you naturally. I am not a temporary, I hand my love for a lifetime. I love you.”

3...2...1...CUT!

Happy Fathers' Day, Brother

I'm not sure why it dawns to me only now that my only brother is already a father.

photo

He's the only son, a three girls' only brother. Kuya and I were close in a different way -- we're the family's cat and dog. He was a bully, like any other little boy, and since I'm the youngest, the helpless one, the crybaby, I was always his favorite subject. While I'm having fun playing doll, he would get them and play with me -- but he never played them as female dolls, because he let them wrestle. He treated my dolls as wrestlers, as stuntwomans, as action figures with boobs.

But seriously speaking, I consider Kuya as the brightest and most intelligent among us. He's the kind of student who relies mainly on his stock knowledge, and he does it good. He was always at the top of his class, until he liked girls, and as I outgrew dolls, I saw Kuya become a young man. I saw him court girls at school, but I never heard (and he didn't perhaps tell us) that he already had an official girlfriend. Until finally, he had a serious one.

Kuya loved her so much, and after highschool, Kuya was 17 then, he had her pregnant. The girl, being 16, was sent abroad out of her parent's grudge for my brother. He seemed to be the most hated person by the girl's family. I read Kuya's letter for my parents asking for apology for the frustrations he's brought to the family. Months passed and one day Kuya received an overseas phone call, saying that his kid's being delivered right at that moment. I'm proud to say I was there when I saw Kuya's eyes brigthened up, as he told me, it's February 12 today. He's officially a father, and that was eight years ago.

A lot of things happened since then between Kuya and the girl until they broke up. The son has to live with the mom. Kuya had to go abroad to fix his life and there, he met another girl, and he married her, and they had a daughter. It was probably because Kuya didn't see his son grow up, he focused his father-like being with his daughter who's with him now.

Seriously, I still can't believe Kuya's a father now, but I cannot be more proud that at his young age of 26, he already has his own house and car, he's saved for his kids' future, and more importantly he has a wonderful wife and beautiful daughter. He's having a great time taking care of her wife and daughter and just like our Tatay, he's always his daughter's private tutor and he's effective at that as my niece, at three, already knows the alphabet and already writes her name. It's still sad that Kuya's eldest doesn't live with him but I'm sure that wherever that bibo kid goes, he can never deny he's his father's. It's just amazingly unbelievable how much of Kuya he has in him.

Happy Fathers' Day, Kuya. I know you've been wanting to hear this from me, and I'm saying it now, you're the best Kuya I have. I'm just so proud of how successful you've become, though not as a professional, but as a person, as a husband, and as a father to your beautiful kids. You didn't finish school but you were never a disappointment for making Inay and Tatay proud grandparents.

p.s. FYI I first knew about my profession through my brother. He had a motorcycle accident back in 2001 (I was 13), and I was with him when he was having his therapy. For this, I thank you more, Kuya.

five-ten-ten

Early this month, I was able to share my time with strangers. But from the time we realized we were standing on the same ground with the same intention, it has been easy and light. We lost ourselves. And we were no longer strangers. Thank you for this place.

Black Sand Beach

I almost forgot that you also give that breathtaking sunset view.

Ihawan

Kahit nasunog yung mga hotdog, at least nakakain kame... ng magkakasama.

p.s. tsaka iba talaga kapag mahal na mahal mo yung mga kasama mo.

Kaibigang Isda

Dahil kahit ang memorya mo ay kaparehas ng sa kanila at tila walang laman ang mga "blob" na lumalabas sa iyong bibig, tinuruan mo naman akong magpasensya at tumawa sa mga pagkakataong ikaw ay aking nakikita.

Dear Chacha Padilla*

Binago mo ang pananaw ko.

Akala ko dati lahat ng aso, askal. Akala ko dati mga tira tirang pagkain at buto buto lang ang dapat kinakain nila. Dati sobrang nawiwirdohan ako kapag katabi silang natutulog ng mga tao. Akala ko dati tagabantay lang sila ng bahay.

Pero nung dumating ka, nag-iba lahat. Ngayon naiintindihan ko na kung bakit sobrang napapamahal ka sa mga tao. Ngayon alam ko na kung bakit dapat inaalagaan ka. Ngayon nalulungkot na ako kapag nakakakita ako ng mga askal na walang bahay.

Iba pala talaga ang nabibigay mong saya sa pamilya.

Kahit ihi ka ng ihi sa carpet, kahit kinakain mo yung sarili mong poopoo, kahit sobrang likot mo pag tulog pa kame, kahit kinakagat mo lahat ng tsinelas sa bahay, kahit ang liit liit mo lang, kahit lagi kitang binubully... Sobrang saya lang kase andyan ka.

Naeexcite na ko laging umuwi ng bahay para makita ka at makipaglaro sayo.

Darating ang araw, at mababati ka din namin ng Happy Mothers' Day.

*tawag sa kanya ni Lola

Three

At this month of May, everyone feel the rush of love for their moms. How come I don’t feel that?

03-03-88 when I was 3 years old. Living intact on that figure for 25 years of existence with ups and downs. I was at that age when my mom left us. Fed with queries, weakened directions, and failed judgement that baffled my growth. Shadows coated and I asked myself, “Why did she leave us?”. It was more than a challenge for it was a struggle of living my life unaided. Her presence was supposed to be the foundation of what structures me in forms. So many decisions that I was misguided, choices of multiple attitudes which’s like creating my own character, for I was blinded to see. And so I asked, “Am I doomed with these emotions?”

Drowned by enmity for I was impaired searching for reasons and bearing out answers. But then I fall short notice of maturity, then I stopped with all the worries I have. I realized there should be a door out for hatred, and so I did let them go. I guess it’s not yet too late for me, for I have the best of hopes to think that she is just out there.

The grasp on the key of life is giving me the heartfelt love to find the best piece of what completes me. What if I find her and have the chance to finally meet her? Will I say Ma, Mom, Mommy, Mama? Mix emotions of excitement but a ‘lil bit edgy. And what if she’s dead? I’m not sure but I have to be ready.

And so this Mother’s day, I don’t get to greet my mom personally but I appreciate the 2nd Sunday of May for it gives above significance to a special one who gave birth to us. It is not necessary to give them something but it is worth remembering if we just say, "Thank You" and “I love you.”

Acceptance, it is or will be the greatest challenge at this phase of my life. We all create our own identity that pulls the gravity of manner. We fail, hope, and then succeed. It all matters on how you will continue in each word, a comma, an ellipsis, or a period.

Happy Mother’s Day to your Mom. :)